11/10/2006 8:31:07 AM
---- Updated 2/25/2009 8:03:45 PM
My Experiment with Sexual Enhancement Drugs
(Only read this if your parents let you)
Okay, I met this girl on the internet. We agreed to meet at a Holiday Inn cause it was easy for her to find. She said she likes men who are wild and rowdy. I thought I qualified but it just so happened that the day of our rendez-vous, my basement got flooded by a nasty leak and a heavy rain, and I spent all day using a handpump to thwart the disaster occurring in my home. Then, right after I finished that, I took a quick ride over to Home Depot to get some plumbing odds and ends, and my car broke down on the interstate so since I forgot to take my cellphone, I had to walk 2 miles to a service station. It was a long day. Finally I made it home, now my car had a new alternator. I was going to bail out on my date but she was driving 3 hours to see me and was due to show up in town within an hour. At that point, exhausted beyond belief, I asked a buddy of mine, my next door neighbor, about my predicament and he agreed to give me a couple of his Viagra pills, said to take those and I'd be ok for a night of heavy duty lovin'.
So this girl, named Tasha, who by her pictures was one hot babe, calls me on my cell from about a half hour away right after I checked into the motel. She said she was so horny, I better be ready for her. It was then I started to get a little anxiety, so I popped the Viagras and drove down to a local drug store to see if they had anything else that might help. I knew I was wasted from my day, didn't want to take any chances. So I timidly asked the druggist what they had, and this very strange bald man with granny glasses grinned and then surprised me by telling me if I really wanted something that would have a kick, to meet him outside in back near the dumpster. I took him up on that and got in the backseat of his car as he pulled up a briefcase and showed me an array of sex drugs that was well, impressive. I peeled off 5 20 dollar bills from my wallet and took a large assortment. He said that will keep your wife happy for a year. I wasn't worried about later, I wanted to show Tasha a good time that night and felt a sense of relief that I was able to score that cache of goodies. So as I was pulling into the motel, I saw the green Oldsmobile and knew she had arrived. I kind of panicked, didn't want her to know what I was up to so before she saw me, I grabbed a big handful of pills and took them with the Coke I was drinking. Let me see, there was the Vasomax, some IC351, several Uprima pills, 6 Cialis and some natural stimulant called Yohimbine, I choked the whole handful down. I don't know what I was thinking but they were just sex pills, seemed harmless enough. So then we parked our cars and I met Tasha. Her pictures were apparently doctored because she didn't look like no hot babe, had a lopsided butt, and was about 15 years older than she said. However, the Viagra pills were already kicking in so I didn't really give that too much thought. We went in the room and we got comfortable, she had on some lacey lingerie and gave me some ballbuster line like "here's where you have to walk the walk". I had another bout of mild insecurity because even though I felt very stimulated, I wasn't quite erect yet even after kissing her and getting a mouthful of her crazee tongue. I then went into the bathroom and pulled the last of my sex drugs out of my stash. I put some Alprox-TD gel on myself and used the Apomorphine nasal spray. Finally I took the last pill, which was the experimental drug PT-141. The druggist promised me this would turn me mad, his words. Suffice to say, as I was leaving the bathroom, everything was kicking in at once and I felt like a living volcano. I said to Tasha, here I come baby, you ain't seen nothin' like my thang. And holy bat outa hell, I was crazed! I gave her what she wanted once, twice and almost three times a lady except she literally said NO MORE, BABY and passed out. I had already gotten my rocks off, except for one thing - I wanted more, I felt like I was just getting started. I needed to get out and get some air but as I walked out the door, I looked back at Tasha and she looked like she may be dead. I decided in my lust-filled state that I would worry about that later, and on my way to the car I noticed there was a fairly sultry raccoon scavenging around by the trash can. So.. well... that sweet mammal babe didn't even see me approaching. We made love, and it was right after another strong climax when I noticed a tall, desirable tree alongside the building. I jumped on a limb that I thought would hold my weight and gave that birch a little piece of my world.
The next 10 hours were a whirlwind. I did it with a bag lady, a mailbox, a styrofoam coffee cup, picked up 3 divorcees walking up and down the drive-thru line at Burger King, and at one point when I was really on the prowl I went to a local golf course and gave my loveseed to holes number 3 and 5. I also had my first 2 gay affairs and had to tell the last guy, who seemed devastated, that I wasn't looking for a relationship. Then I still felt like I needed a date so I ended up buying a bran muffin at Dunkin Donuts, poked my thumb in it and went for a little rough sex, which was quite satisfying as I recall..
I guess eventually I hit the wall cause I woke up 22 hours later cuddling a monument outside the town library. Sure I had no feeling in my lower torso, but all in all, it was a great night to be a man.